March 26, 2012

Dear God

It has been a long time before yesterday, since I last attended any ceremonies at temples (ceremonies meaning those visits that involve chanting and typically last 1.5-2hours). My religious devotion has, since post-college, been reduced significantly to just the lighting up of joss-sticks and bowing in front of altars. Even those, sometimes, occured under the nagging of my parents, rather than out of my own will.

On the other hand, I have been attending church mass with Emman every week, almost without fail. Nevertheless, my religious devotion is also limited to bowing (and standing up when the congregation around me stands, but I don't kneel when they do).

In fact, it will be more accurate to say that I have shifted from partaking in a religion (i.e. Buddhism) to observing religious procedures (Buddhism, as well as Catholicism).

So, yesterday, I was at this ceremony with my mum and Jas. To begin with, we arrived more than 2 hours early (even though we've already registered through my mum's friend) and when asked what was going to happen and when, my mum and her friend had no clear answers for me. Now, honestly, I am a relatively patient person and usually, waiting around is not likely to get me edgy. However, waiting around on a Sunday afternoon (usual activity = reading/watching TV/napping at home), not knowing what to expect is truly, another story. By the time there were some actions going on and participants were summoned to get ready for the ceremony, I was taking deep breaths to calm myself down from all the existential waiting earlier on. Still, nobody knew what to expect, much less I.

It was actually, a kind of ceremony where we first chanted some kind of confessions for our past wrongdoings (bad karma), then ask/pray for wisdom, and chant more for blessings - all these chanting took almost an hour. Following that, the participants all queued (still chanting) in a line to receive some kind of blessing from the presiding reverend monk (shifu). Then, to conclude, we had to reflect the blessings and the prayers we got to the larger community (i.e. including our loved ones and I guess, humanity at large). Usually, this would be the point when we'd disperse, hungry for dinner. However, yesterday was not the usual. Somehow, the reverend stayed on to teach the participants the proper way to pray and offer chants, and to pass on some teaching.

Sadly, indeed, I felt myself dis-engaged from most parts of the ceremony. For instance, I didn't chant once out loud (in my mind, I was following the chant but I just couldn't bring myself to verbalise it). I didn't see the meaning behind what I was a part of, nor felt connected to any part of it. I was, in fact, just observing and selectively participating. I was an observer-participant.

This is also what I do during mass at church with Emman. Sometimes, I sing the hymn, if it happens to be a pretty catchy and nice one. Otherwise, mass is one of the times you'd find me at my quietest.

I do wonder, from time to time, how do I define my spirituality? It used to be a genuinely simple answer when people asked my religion - 'Buddhism'. Now, the answer I give is still simple, but only because I had no other way of explaining my religion or my lack of one. So, I still answer 'Buddhism' because it is a viable and uncomplicated answer to the enquirer. But, truth is, I know the conviction is not quite there anymore.

So, who is God to me? Strange that I have gotten used to typing'god' with a capital 'G', yet I can't exactly attribute God to any religion or entity. There must be God, because of the capital 'G'. But, if God is not Jesus, not Buddha, then who is? It is, in fact, sometimes, a struggle to know God and who he is, because of my not being religious. It's like standing, surrounded by many doors - doors that are all open and welcoming - but believing that entering into either one would not be the completely right one for me.

So, maybe God is within. Maybe, God is conscience, is love, is compassion, patience, forgiveness, generosity, is the ability for self-reflexivity, humility, is faith. Faith. Faith in something, anything that renders myself small and incomplete, needy of peace and contentment and pushes me towards a kind of wisdom in life. Except, then, I need to dig further into what is wisdom in life.

Let's not digress too far.

I left halfway, before I could be taught all the proper ways to pray and chant. My justification is, I wouldn't be applying those in my life and as far as my unexpected role of observer-participant is concerned, I was more than happy to call it a day and get some dinner.

But since it got me thinking about how I may be spiritually-starved (only in the way how spirituality is commonly linked to a religion), I thought it's worthwhile to note it here.

"Dear God, if you know me and I believe you do, you will know that You and I are in a relationship. Just one that is complicated and not easy for many others to understand. Sometimes, not even for me. =)"

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:32